I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Randomize
