Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
