I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Randomize
