dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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