Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Randomize
