i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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