this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
Randomize
