I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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