Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
