Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Randomize
