last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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