I think scott just propositioned me for sex
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
