it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Randomize
