Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
