Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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