why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
