his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Randomize
