I'm passing your future prison.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
