why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Randomize
