I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
