Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
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