hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize