HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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