i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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