I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Dicks are not precious.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
