3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Randomize
