That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
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