winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize