The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize