so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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