I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
