I didn't shave. On purpose
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
