3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
