I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
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