i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Randomize
