Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Randomize