so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Randomize
