I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
