I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
My bed smells like the plague
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