I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
even my farts smell like vagina
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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