It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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