smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Randomize
