I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
