Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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