Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I could fuck to npr.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
