She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
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