Im at strip club and am horny
Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
