I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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