My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
