one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I don't deserve a penis
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
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