I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
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