Even water is tasting like jack daniels
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
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