C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Randomize
