I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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