we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
