You just made me feel so damn special
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
