see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
