I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Randomize