I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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