Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I want to make a zoo with you.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize
