with her its the mind over matter factor, i dont mind and she dont matter
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
and eventually we just all took our pants off
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
