wrigley field is MILF paradise
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize