Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
