Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Randomize
