You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Swine flu is the new snow day.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
